when they begin the beguine...

[beled_el_djinn]

Yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of my father's death. Not to sound like Jeremy Piven or anything, but TEN YEARS MAN!!! Where did the time go? It used to be that I'd get all sorts of reflective on that day, wondering what my life would have been like if he were still alive or musing on where my life had gone to since his death. These days, I don't really treat the day any different than the other 364 - I guess I've moved on with my life and let him die. I still do wonder what I'm going to tell my children when they ask about him. Will I tell them how controlling and manipulative he was? How much of a dick he was to my brother or how unloving his relationship with mom seemed? I hesitate to think that I'd do that, but at the same time I don't want to sugar coat his legacy for them. I want them to know the bad things, but I want them to understand that he was a man trying to do the best he could with what life dealt him. I don't know and fortunately, I don't have to answer these questions any time soon. Maybe in another few years I'll finally know what to say.

I'm out.

Comments

[gaiaturtle.livejournal.com]

You might ask what use would trash-talking his memory be. Even if it is true. You might find it's easier to be charitable when someone is dead.

my not so humble opinion.

[aumshantih.livejournal.com]

I have a similarly problematic relationship with my own father. He hasn't passed away, so there still is a slim chance that some healing could occur, but it's pretty unlikely given our personalities and the nature of our conflict.

That being said: holding onto negative emotions doesn't really do you much good. I'm sure your potential future kids will not live a sugar coated existence, so fudging a little bit about family issues is fine. Silence on a topic can communicate volumes, and sure your hypothetical future spawn can ask other family members for details.

[ravensgrace.livejournal.com]

I want them to know the bad things, but I want them to understand that he was a man trying to do the best he could with what life dealt him.

You just said it. Really, this statement right here covers it pretty well. Yes, he wasn't a perfect person and there was a lot of animosity in the family, but he was just trying to do the best he could.

And anyway honey, I think that if our children are anything like you, by the time they're cognizant enough to ask this question they'll have already hacked your LJ.

[greywords.livejournal.com]

My uncle's dad recently passed away (uncle through marriage, so his dad isn't a direct relation of mine). I've been told that at the funeral, my uncle's siblings all fawned over their father, extolling all the amazing things he'd done in life. My uncle, on the other hand, is a bit more practical and described his father as he was. He wasn't harsh, mind you, just truthful. Truth is really more powerful than illusions and stories we spin for ourselves after the fact. After all, remembering someone as they were is a way to actually remember them - not some distorted image based loosely on what they could have been - and thus I think is actually preferable and more respectful.