beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
Today's horoscope:

"Tuesday, Nov 9th, 2010 -- You might want the fun times to last forever, but of course they cannot. However, this doesn't mean that you are headed for troubled waters; it's just that your exuberant energy needs to mellow out. If you consider what you have, though, you'll realize that there are many good things in your life, even if fireworks aren't lighting up the sky. There's no need to wait for something better to happen; share your love with those in your life who deserve it right now."

Rick, you marvelous bastard. Why is it that you manage to hit the nail right on the head whenever I get this way?
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
A man once said that "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you can get what you need". In light of the past week I'd have to say that truer words were never spoken, although I am at a loss as to why I needed a tornado and obliterated break hose.

The Walkabout Experiment went pretty well (for those of you who didn't know, I was off wandering the wilds of Western NY all last week). I'm still processing a lot of what I experienced, but I can definitely say that I am much better for having taken the trek. Still, it is wonderful to be home now. Although I miss the relaxed atmosphere and all the new people I met, I was seriously missing my love and the baby. I managed to miss his first word and steps, which was sad, but the look on his face this morning when I went in to wake him up erased most of that in an instant.

Now I just need to catch up on all the sleep I didn't get and let the bruises on the soles of my feet heal, and I'll be all happy. Speaking of sleep...
beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
Still not king. Perhaps Friday will be the day.

In other news, Weeds is totally my new TV obsession.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
Feeling a bunch better compared to last week's emotional roller coaster, so yay. Still sort of feeling squirrely, but I've got a plan for that and I think I realized the root of the problem, so I can take steps to deal.

All that said, this isn't the reason for me posting.

Today, for the first time ever, the baby clapped his hands and actually made a tiny clapping sound. He's been making the motion for the past two days now, but without sound. It was so cute and I wish I could have captured it on video, since when he realized that I was excited, he face lit up in a beautiful smile and he redoubled his clapping efforts. I just about died from being pwnd by the cuteness.

One of the most wonderful things about being a parent is that no matter how down or tired or at the end of my rope I feel, he has the power to just made that not matter with a smile or little antic.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
I need motivation
Or maybe I just need lunch
Foodler is my friend

rawr

Jan. 4th, 2010 04:55 pm
beled_el_djinn: (Ouch)
Hot!

beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
The one downside to putting in all this work from home is that I'm having a hard time with the work/not work divide. Throughout the day, I'll have to see to the baby, thus eating into my work time, which I then feel I need to make up. Couple that with needing to make lunch and dinner and even though I'm typically only working 8 hours, 12-13 hours have passed. The easy solution, I suppose, would be to just stop giving a shit about the work, but among my many faults, a lack of work ethic does not seem to be among them.

I think going forward, I'm going to have to set up some realistic work/life boundaries, and really just identifying and articulating this need has done a lot to alleviate the feelings I've been having recently. But yay for boundaries.

In other news, I now have a practice deadbolt. Hooray for pastimes that aren't technically illegal!

That is all citizens.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
Apropos my trip to the BPL yesterday, I find it weird just how happy a trip to the library makes me. I feel like a small child being allowed to do something important for the first time. Anyone else get that, or is it just me?
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
Probably of interest to none of you but me, it would seem that I'm fully healed up from my rotator cuff injury as I'm back to my old tricks of picking up on the emotional & physical output around me. I find it funny that the only times I'm really flying 'blind' as it were, are when I'm injured - something about my own pain overriding anything else coning in. Its a mercy, I suppose, as the idea of the pain I was feeling with the cuff injury coupled with the serious amount of back pain I've been experiencing on the behalf of others would seriously have made the baby Jesus cry.
beled_el_djinn: (Ouch)
I seriously miss viewing porn at work and getting turned on/that thrill that I'm doing something 'naughty'.

Why, you ask, would I be sharing this? I just reviewed a site for work and realized (after about 3 minutes of staring at it, that it was a porn site. A rather interesting porn site, actually. sometimes German porn isn't all that fucked up. who knew? And yet, here I was, taking an academic interest in the things necessary to do my job and viewing the layout and functionality with a more critical eye than I was the images of a young fraulien taking it like a pro.

I realize that repeated exposure to nekkid folks/porn/physical contact desexualizes it, and for the most part, I think many things need to be desexualized, but this is kind of worrisome to me. I mean, yeah, I'm reviewing this for work and in that context, I probably shouldn't be getting turned on - wrong place, wrong time and all. But my fear is that this will bleed over into my non-work life. If that happens, then what the hell am I going to use the internet for?
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
Today is not a good day for concentration. Every time I get up a head of steam I get sidetracked by either a phone call or IM and it takes me a couple of minutes to mentally regroup. Meh. Maybe a walk around the building will help.

Okay, I'm done whining, time for a quick break/checkup from the neckup (as the great D-Train used to say), and then back to the salt mine. I'd dearly love to get out of hear by 5 tonight.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
There are authors that I never get tired of reading, no matter how small or large their catalog or how many times I've read a particular story by them. Robert E. Howard, H. Rider Haggard, Hunter S. Thompson, and a few others all fall into this category. Up until Tuesday, I would have had to say that William Gibson fell into that category as well, but... well, it looks like I've fallen out of love with him. I blame Spook Country. Okay, the problem I think began, really, sometime during the bridge trilogy, although I'd be hard pressed to explain exactly where things turned the corner. Starting with the cool trilogy or what ever this current run will be known as, Gibson's tendency to model all the female protagonists after Marley from Count Zero and derive plot from the sprawl trilogy is starting to hurt me the way the latter Pern novels did.

I'm kind of bummed out about this, actually. Quite probably more than I should be, really. Gibson's works really helped me get through the Robyn Years (as I've come to think of that time in my life) by providing a nice escape from the darker parts of that time period. But maybe I've grown beyond needing the comfort provided at this point - I've worked through about as much of my issues with my father as I probably ever will, and I'm no longer stupidly depressed like I was back then. It just feels, I dunno, odd, I guess to no longer want to read a series of novels that I've read at least once a year for the past 12 years. shrug I guess I'll get over it, but it just feels odd.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
So New Years has come and gone and here I am standing on the other side of it, wondering at the oddly snaking path of 2009.

I'm making progress on my goals for 2009. Slow progress, to be sure, when viewed through the lens of where I want to be, but I shouldn't belittle the progress or the rate thereof. As I so often council in DV, I must take the long view in this - every step of this journey teaches me something about myself and skipping any of them will mean a different outcome when all is said and done.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
While I won't make resolutions at new years (doing so is, in my mind, akin to telling my wife "I love you" on Valentine's day because Hallmark told me I should), there are some things that I feel I should work on in the coming months, and if all goes well, these will become habit in the coming year. This list is for my own edification, so if you don't care then stop reading now.

1. Stop finding excuses to work from home every day and stick to my 3 day / 2 day every other week schedule. Having a consistent schedule is good for me, dammit.

2. Run at least twice a week and do floor work at least three times a week. Also attend Monday practices. My shoulder is healed at this point and I always feel better when I'm consistently exercising and I look hawt when I'm ripped. Besides, having a consistent schedule is good for me, dammit.

3. Find a new mode of being. Having dealt with depression for so long, I continue to interact with the world the way I always have, even though I've got the whole depression thing in control for the first time ever. This will be a hard habit to break, but I know I can if I'm just mindful of how I'm behaving.

4. Be more social. even if it just means calling an old friend or IMing someone. I am a social creature and I always feel better after hanging out with/talking with friends.
beled_el_djinn: (Blue)
Unaccountably anxious and down today and yesterday. Doesn't feel like a depressive episode, but is notable enough that I figured I'd record it.

In other news, it occurred to me that I never did thank everyone for the sympathies and well wishes from the other week for my eye trauma. To spare everyone's sensitivities, I'll say only that it was surgery to get rid of a persistent cyst and was entirely elective and I wasn't in any sort of mortal danger like cancer or aliens laying eggs in me or anything. That being said, if it were cancer, I'd probably do it again, but alien eggs? I'd totally let the fuckers hatch.

I'm out.
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
I'm reading A Stir of Echoes by Richard Matheson right now and wow... I'm curious to know if what Tom Wallace goes through is based on someone's personal experience - so much of what he describes just resonates so strongly with my everyday experience.

On a less... new-agey/spooky note, I highly recommend the book - the movie was good, but bears only a passing resemblance to it.

I'm out.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
Martinelli's 100% apple juice is like drinking sunshine. What I imagine to be sunshine, anyway. I'd be ashamed to say that I drank a whole jug of it in one sitting if the jug in question wasn't 16 oz. In any case, drinking it put the same smile on my face that I get when I feel sunlight on my face.

This weekend marked the first time in a very long while that I felt like being social. It felt nice to feel like part of the scene at the functions I attended, rather than standing on the periphery. It would be nice to feel this way more often.

I'm out.
beled_el_djinn: (Ouch)
Been stupidly depressed these past few... days? weeks? months? Hard to say although I don't think that it has been more than a month. If it wasn't happening to me, I'd think it was kind of funny (okay, I think it is kind of funny anyway) that my mind really clings to this like a drowning man to anything that floats better than he does. I wonder if this is how bipolar people feel when they are in a manic phase - that need to hold on and ride the roller coaster no matter where it takes you or how dangerous the tracks ahead might look.

I wish I knew what triggered all of this. As my love pointed out to me, this seemed to start around when I got sick last month - don't worry, I'm fine. Teh sickness is more annoying than life threatening - but I think that there is more involved than just that. Friday was the 9th anniversary of my dad's death. I didn't realize that little fact until Saturday and I wasn't quite sure how I felt about just spacing that. For those of you just joining the show, I have a few issues centering around my father and not getting those resolved before his death wasn't the best thing for everyone involved. Not that I do anything special on his death day, usually, I just sort of reflect on how my life has changed since that milestone or maybe go visit his grave. Still, forgetting it wasn't really a good thing for me I think.

There's more to this, but I'm done sharing for the moment.

I'm out.

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