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beled_el_djinnApropos a conversation I had today, I was reminded of the last time I ever saw my father alive. In that hour the my mother and I spent talking to him, there was for, if not the first time ever, then for the first time since I was a very small child, a feeling that we were an actual, honest-to-goodness close-knit family. For the first time in far too long, we put down most of the baggage that we'd been carrying everywhere and spoke to each other (okay, it would be more accurate to say that mom and I spoke to each other and dad and he, for his part, dutifully listened without interrupting) and actually heard what each other had to say. There is a level of frankness that seems to only ever manifest itself in people when they truly know that they will never speak another word to someone and we both said things that never would have come out in other circumstances. To this day, mom and I have never spoken of that last visit; I don't think we can - the masks we wear for each other prevent it.
I don't know as I quite appreciated that moment in time as fully as I should have while I was living it - I think if I had, I may have kissed him and thanked my father for that last gift. But I was still too close to all the turmoil of what had been our family dynamic for most of my life and definitely still reeling from the shock of having felt him dying when I touched his hand to have done other than I did that night. I think he knows though, or at least the part of him I still carry in my heart does.
I found myself talking to dad while I was getting off the train tonight, which I don't think I've done for maybe 5 years at this point. This time, however, I spoke about what I had done with my life since he died instead of telling him to fuck off and leave my family alone. After all, we are the ones who need to leave him alone and get busy with the "keep on keeping on" thing. My fellow passengers must have wondered at the young man walking past them, talking about his hopes for the future and where he'd like to be in five years, but I guarantee that none of them found the spectacle as curious as I did. 12 years ago had you asked me how I felt about my father and I probably would have said I missed him. 10 or even just 2 years ago, if asked the same question, I would have told you how much of a manipulative and controlling douchbag he was. Now, I'm not quite sure how to answer that question. I have all these pieces of a puzzle that add up to our life together, and every time I try putting them together, the picture comes out a bit different than it did the last time.
I don't know as I quite appreciated that moment in time as fully as I should have while I was living it - I think if I had, I may have kissed him and thanked my father for that last gift. But I was still too close to all the turmoil of what had been our family dynamic for most of my life and definitely still reeling from the shock of having felt him dying when I touched his hand to have done other than I did that night. I think he knows though, or at least the part of him I still carry in my heart does.
I found myself talking to dad while I was getting off the train tonight, which I don't think I've done for maybe 5 years at this point. This time, however, I spoke about what I had done with my life since he died instead of telling him to fuck off and leave my family alone. After all, we are the ones who need to leave him alone and get busy with the "keep on keeping on" thing. My fellow passengers must have wondered at the young man walking past them, talking about his hopes for the future and where he'd like to be in five years, but I guarantee that none of them found the spectacle as curious as I did. 12 years ago had you asked me how I felt about my father and I probably would have said I missed him. 10 or even just 2 years ago, if asked the same question, I would have told you how much of a manipulative and controlling douchbag he was. Now, I'm not quite sure how to answer that question. I have all these pieces of a puzzle that add up to our life together, and every time I try putting them together, the picture comes out a bit different than it did the last time.
