beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
My love and I were sitting on our bed with the baby yesterday, just watching him play with the pillows and making sure he didn't dive head first onto the floor, when he took one of the pillows, folded it in half and proudly proclaimed "A book!". Then, opening up his newly made book and he said "The end" and closed it again. The cuteness, it slayed. Upon later reflection, I find myself amazed at the imagination and associative leap that particular moment entailed.

The daily grind of wrangling a toddler sometimes makes it hard to remember that you've got a little person in your care who has their own likes, loves, desires, sense of humor and ideas of how the universe should run. I value the moments like the above not only because of the humor and love they engender in all of us, but because they also remind me to stop and just soak in all the wonder and joy present in every moment I spend with our son.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
The poor boy is sick, which means that I'm getting an impromptu two days off of work. I'd be a lot happier about the time off if it weren't due to the little guy suffering. Still, I get to spend time with him, so I won't complain.
beled_el_djinn: (roxxor)
I like to listen to music while I work, especially if I'm doing some sort of manual labor or repetitive task.

Last night, while preparing the boy's supper, I had Dig Up Her Bones playing and was bopping around the kitchen while arranging food on his plate. Cue the boy wandering in with my love; he takes a moment to listen to the music and then starts doing this odd little headbanging dance. If I hadn't been streaming music from my phone at the time, I totally would have tried for a video capture.

My little horror punk rocker. ♥
beled_el_djinn: (Default)

Getting diaper changed and play cloths on   10 minutes
Eating mid-morning yogurt snack and cleanup   15 minutes
Getting into snow suit, boots, hat and mittens   20 minutes
Convincing toddler that his favored stuffed animal won't survive the snow   05 minutes
Getting squirming & crying toddler and sled out the door   02 minutes
Getting no longer squirming & crying toddler into sled   01 minute
Pulling toddler in sled through 2' of snow while breaking trail for what feels like 6 hours   15 minutes
Time it takes for toddler to start crying when he realizes that daddy is 'out of steam'   30 seconds

All I can say is thank all the gods for Veggie Tales because by the time I got us back in the house, I was in no condition to do anything other than hit "play" on the dvd player.

Lessons learned here: Until he is old enough to climb a hill with a sled and then ride it down by himself, sledding is a two adult job. Also, if this is how outdoor excursions are going to be for the conceivable future, then I need to start doing more cardio, because daaaayum.
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
Years ago, my mother and I were driving home from an appointment. It was December and it had been snowing for several hours and there was about a foot of snow on the ground. We were driving on Rt. 2 and right before we got to the Waltham St. exit, we hit a patch of black ice and spun out. Long story short, we came within a hair's breadth of being in a head-on with a tractor trailer truck. After we realized we weren't actually going to die that night, and we were safely away from further near death experiences, my mom did something which seemed odd to me at the time. She just sat there, with this blank expression on her face. I knew she was just as full of adrenalin as I was at that moment, but she still just sat there and wouldn't speak.

Flash forward to today, this morning, in fact. The baby and I were making our daily trip to daycare and as we were pulling out of our street, I almost t-boned a police car - there was a truck pulled over on the side of the road blocking my view and even though I had carefully checked as best I could and thought that I was clear, it appears that I failed my awareness check. Long story short here too, everyone was okay, the policeman yelled at the truck driver for parking in an absolutely moronic place and then reassured me that he was okay and that I wasn't a) at fault and b) in any trouble. I had pulled over to the side of the road, right after almost hitting the cruiser and after making sure I wasn't going to be ticketed, I just sat there, adrenalin coursing through my veins, and just stared at the baby in the rear view mirror while he contentedly looked at some raindrops on the window next to him. I imagine that if the baby ever remembers this moment, he'll be puzzled over the blank look that I'm sure was on my face.

Through the jumble of my thoughts, the one constant thread was that my son could have been seriously injured somehow and I would have ultimately felt responsible for it since I was driving and in charge of his safety. I once commented to my mom about how odd her reaction was to me on that night, oh so many years ago, especially since it stood in such stark contrast to my need to be moving, to bleed off the excess of the fight or flight response. She had just given me this look which I couldn't begin to fathom until today. I really hate the argument of "you aren't a parent, you wouldn't understand." but I'm finding that sometimes that does happen to be the case. I couldn't understand my mother's reaction until I was in a similar situation.

It's funny to me how being a parent is seems to be this odd learning experience about love, fear, sorrow and patience. Every day brings a new challenge for my love and I, new sets of fond memories and new sets of worries for the future as we realize that our son is growing up faster and faster. Through it all, we're managing not to lose our minds and also finding just how much love you can be filled with, and I think it is that love that causes moments like the one I had this morning. The very thought of that love being altered or absent from my life scared me so deeply that I almost shut down when I had a moment to reflect upon it.

Man, this parenting thing is a scary trip, sometimes.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
It is Fall!

This morning the air finally smelled of fall, instead of just hinting at it.

For the past few days, when we have been heading out to daycare, I've been explaining to the baby how you can tell that the change of the seasons is near - the subtle coolness to the scents, the hints of leaves beginning to die... I don't know as he was paying attention, since there were squirrels and birds to look at, but hopefully some of it sank in. At the very least, he picked up on me being excited today and gave me one of his wonderful smiles while I rambled on to him.

And now that the season has turned, I can finally start working on his Halloween costume! I'm so excited.
beled_el_djinn: (Help!)
Somebody has learned to climb.

Wait, I don't know as I've conveyed the true terror I'm feeling at the moment. Let me try again.


I was minding my own business this morning, taking a quick moment to check my email while the baby contentedly played on the floor with one of his toys. Or so I thought.

One of the warning signs that something you probably don't want happening is going on, is the absence of sound. I don't mean that sound disappears and the only noise you hear is the rushing of blood through your body. No, the absence I'm talking about is more akin to a feeling of anticipation - like the whole world is holding it's breath and watching whatever deviltry your most precious bundle of joy is about to perpetrate. This feeling is almost always coupled with a lack of noise coming from said bundle of joy, as they are so focused, they forget to babble, bang a block on a table, scream in fury as they cat once again moves just our of reach, etc. So yeah, absence of sound.

So there I was, minding my own business, when I realize that I should turn around and attend the boy. Imagine my surprise, when there he is, sitting on the couch just happy as a clam with our PS3 controller in hand. He looked at me, I voiced the obligatory and rather impotent "Hey!" and began to move to his side. I believe he recognized my intent to take away his hard won treasure because he immediately abandoned the PS3 controller, dove on the DVD remote and started pushing ever button under the sun, trying to either overload the DVD player and cause it to explode, or maybe just make it play Baby Mozart. It was really hard to say.

After the mandatory showing of his War Face and protestations of the fascist regime headed by mommy and daddy, we went back to our regularly scheduled day. Well, to be honest, only he did. Now my brain is constantly on the lookout for him trying to climb the curtains or the book cases, or maybe just levitating up to the ceiling using only the power of his evil genius brain. Our world will never be the same.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
One of the downsides to daycare? Not being able to go and hug your child whenever you want to without first having to drive to get there.
beled_el_djinn: (Ookla)
I think I'm going to need to pick up an acrylic juggling sphere. I just spent a good 20 minutes entertaining the baby with my rusty contact juggling skills, and while it was really awesome to see how pleased he was by this, I was so nervous that I'd bash him in the head with the solid metal sphere I use. There were a few close calls when he actively grabbed my arm or hand, but I managed to maintain control of the sphere, so yay. But yeah, the acrylic balls may be just as head bashy, but I feel that something lighter than what I use now will make things feel much less perilous to me, anyway.

I should also look into getting smaller sized spheres for the little guy as the idea of teaching him how to contact juggle when he is a bit older is just too tempting.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
This morning marked the baby's first honest-to-goodness thunder storm. While I wasn't all that happy to be up at 3am, I loved that I was able to hold him in my arms and just sit and listen to the thunder and watch the lightning with him until he drifted back off to sleep.

The whole experience actually reminded me of a time in high school, when I was over a friend's house studying for a physics exam. We were sitting on their enclosed porch, having just finished our studying, and were talking about whatever seemed important to us back then. I think we both noticed the lightning flash together and shared a look - while she went to turn off the lights, I dragged to lounge chairs next to each other, and we just sat and watched the lightning and listened to the thunder and the rain. It was such a wonderfully peaceful moment in time - even though it was late on a school night and we had a test the next morning at 7:30 am, we stayed up stupid late (and I believe we both fell asleep for a bit) and just experienced the world.

I'm perpetually amazed at how I experience the world anew whenever I'm spending time with the baby. His voyage of discovery brings back a joy of looking at the world I seemed to have forgotten.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
Doing ball crunches while having a baby trying to climb on you makes for some interesting times, I have to say.

In other news, I got to do yard work for the first time in almost a year, it seems. I find it odd that I look on this as a treat, since I really do kind of hate doing yard work. Of course, the fact that I was out of the house, not watching the baby, and getting to enjoy the weather may have had something to do with it.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
Feeling a bunch better compared to last week's emotional roller coaster, so yay. Still sort of feeling squirrely, but I've got a plan for that and I think I realized the root of the problem, so I can take steps to deal.

All that said, this isn't the reason for me posting.

Today, for the first time ever, the baby clapped his hands and actually made a tiny clapping sound. He's been making the motion for the past two days now, but without sound. It was so cute and I wish I could have captured it on video, since when he realized that I was excited, he face lit up in a beautiful smile and he redoubled his clapping efforts. I just about died from being pwnd by the cuteness.

One of the most wonderful things about being a parent is that no matter how down or tired or at the end of my rope I feel, he has the power to just made that not matter with a smile or little antic.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
Had a mostly 'down' weekend and it took me a bit to figure out the why, considering the 'up' the week started on. Due to this, I didn't manage to accomplish anything I had set out to do, which makes me sad, as I really need to get the taxes done and it really would be nice if I could get the yard work done before the evil vine starts it's bid for domination again.

I ended up resorting to something resembling a metaphysical hard reset on my mental server and that seems to have mitigated the issue, so maybe I'll be able to get taxes done this week by working on them every night after the baby goes to bed. Whee!

I swear, I know I wasn't ever this busy before he was born, and really, I'm still not stupidly busy, so much as feeling the constraints of rationing my free time. Still, I miss being able to just randomly poke at things what need poking at and not have to worry about keeping an eye on "Mr. I'm'a gunna put that sharp/choking hazard/poisonous/generally inimical to life/dangerous thing in my mouth" too.

I'm out.
beled_el_djinn: (Happy)
I just put the baby down for a nap in his swingy thing (he only naps for me either in my arms or in the swingy thing. why oh why won't he ever nap in his crib for me?!?) and covered him with a light blanket so his feet wouldn't get cold. Still asleep, he kept peddling his feet until one was out from underneath the blanket, at which point he settled right down. Somebody is totally his mother's son.

In other news, I need to go through my fabric remnants and see if I have anything fit to make a tunic for the wee one. I figure if mommy and daddy are getting dressed up to go to Birka, then there is no reason he shouldn't be as well. Of course he'll totally out grow the thing in two days, but I'm so unreasonably excited to make garb for him that I just don't care.
beled_el_djinn: (Anger)
This working from home/daycare thing? It is killing me today.

I need to win the lottery so I can actually enjoy my time with the baby during the work day. Of course, if I won the lottery, I suspect both my love will both rock the stay at home dance, so it wouldn't just be me enjoying the daytimes with the baby.

Dreams of becoming filthy rich aside, maybe I'll just hope my prayers of a 2 hour nap happening are answered.

I wonder if there is a local support group for stay at home fathers who also work from home. I think some sympathetic ears from folks in the same situation would do wonders for my current feelings of frustration.


beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
Friday marked 13 years. Funny that I remembered on Thursday and then again on Monday, but between then it seems that I couldn't spare him a thought.

Yesterday, however, I found myself wondering what dad would say if he met the baby and also what the baby would think of him. I couldn't imagine how dad could have held my brother in his arms and not felt the same love I feel for my child, and yet I have 23 years worth of memories that tell me it was highly unlikely that he ever did. And where do I fit in all of that? Did he ever hold me in his arms and just lose himself in the love I'd like to think poured out of me? I'd like to think he did, but I'm perhaps a bit too cynical/realistic to blindly accept that he did.

I'm still struggling with what I'll tell my child about dad - I don't really want to pad the reality of life under his rule, but I guess I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with why I still have love in my heart for someone who could be such a douchebag on so many levels. I suppose I could just argue Stockholm Syndrome and have done, but that would be lame and also miss the point in many, many ways.

I guess, as always, my relationship with dad is a work in progress and likely it will be one that never ends. I had thought that I was over this, that I no longer needed to keep looking at the bits of puzzle that made up our life together, but my need to do better for my child (and also not become my father) keeps urging me on.
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
Somebody got their first round of immunization shots today and is now largely inconsolable. I wish there was something more we could do other than hold the baby and radiate love - those tragic cries are killing me.

I know this will pass and that I'm being a bit irrational, but at the moment, I'm feeling like the worst parent ever because I can't magically make things better.
beled_el_djinn: (larping)
A much belated Aralis post:

I survived the insanity that was my schedule - having the timing of certain major points of several plots converge at the same event means for a grueling time. Having your baby at the same event? That makes for a special kind of nightmare. Of course, in many respects, it was a learning nightmare, but still, my love should get some sort of medal for her efforts.

Hopefully next event, I'll be able to delegate more and to be sure, my plot load hopefully won't be as insane. Equally hopefully, we won't get sick from our efforts like this time. Mercifully, the duration of said illness was extremely short It took us both just under two days to recover and ze babeh didn't get sick at all, so yay! For the rest of you who are still sick, I wish you a speedy recovery.

In other news, apropos a conversation I had this morning, I figured out the one thing I dislike about staffing larps. To explain it, I'll have to use the Jello analogy, since it works: Picture, if you will, a pile of Jello which represents the PC base for a larp and a person standing over the Jello, poking it with a finger, which represents the staff. Whenever the person pokes the Jello, the reverberations are felt throughout all of the Jello. Sure, they are strongest where the person initially poked it, but even the extreme edges feel them. Conversely, the person only really feels the impact where they touch the Jello, although they can see the effects with their eyes, they don't feel them the way the Jello itself does. Simply put, due to their external status, the staff doesn't get to experience the larp in the same way that the players do. While they do see the fruits of their labors, they typically never quite know just how far the reverberations of their contacts with the PCs reach.

Now, this isn't really a big thing in the long run, it is just sort of something that bothered me and I was having trouble articulating. I think a lot of this has to do with my love affair with immersion in games and how hard it is to gauge how well you are doing on that front when you are looking down on the proceedings instead of wiggling with the rest of the Jello.

And now, I must get back to dealing with the backlog of emails in my inbox.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
Day 11 of the experiment our new life, as it were, and we're all still alive, although with a colicky baby, this has been a near thing. Not helping things is that our lil' one is either a vampire or just likes the night life. Whichever the case, the baby is typically most wakeful between 11 pm and 6 am. If any of you out there have any shred of human decency any favors owed you by the powers that be and feel like blowing them to preserve what little remains of our mental health, I'll give you my first born love you forever.

This is all not to say that things have sucked big donkey balls 24/7 - there have been a few low points, what with the lack of sleep, learning what all of his cries mean, and the diapers (DEAR GOD THE DIAPERS!!!), but all I have to do is see those little eyes gaze up at me while holding the baby in my arms and my heart absolutely melts.

I'd still like to get 8 hours of sleep a night, though. The idea of going back to work today is making me a sad panda. Thank god I'm only doing 20 hour weeks for the next two.


beled_el_djinn: (Default)

August 2012



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