beled_el_djinn: (Default)
I got a call from my mom yesterday, telling me that a highschool friend of mine committed suicide on Sunday. Oddly, I'm feeling more upset about the fact that I don't feel too upset about this than I am about a friend dying.

I believe I last saw Steve some time back in '96 or maybe '97, so it wasn't like we were close any more, but he was a staple of my high school existence. The thought that I can't ever just randomly bump into him again or search him out and catch up on our lives isn't hitting me like I thought it would. I mean, you spend enough time gaming in an ass smelling basement or driving to larps together and the bond that is formed should be stronger than just a random acquaintance, right? But then I keep coming back to the fact that sometime during college, I went my way and he went his, and that this is a normal fact of life - friends come and go and sometimes you stay in touch and sometimes you don't. In this case, we both did the latter.

I guess I just sort of wish that I had made the effort to keep in touch. Not that I am under any sort of delusion that I would have been able to save him if I had, but I can't help but wonder about the positive ways we might have impacted each other's lives had we stayed in touch. That and maybe I'd actually be feeling something about Steve being dead other than this abstract notion of sorrow.
beled_el_djinn: (dubious)
Sort of fell off the posting wagon already, but in doing so I realized something about my relationship with writing.

Many of you reading this have heard me talk about Naked Hippy Camp and my experiences there. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about and are too lazy to click the link, Naked Hippy Camp refers to a series of camps collectively known as Farm & Wilderness. The mission statement for the camps is as follows:

Guided by the Quaker belief that the light of the spirit is present in every person and the belief that people working together can create a more just and humane society, the Farm & Wilderness Foundation sponsors year-round experiences for young people and adults that emphasize the building of community through the values of cooperation, simplicity, responsibility, empathy, spirituality and service.

Of particular relevance to this here little ramble is the first 16 words of the mission statement. Every morning after breakfast, every camper and staffer goes to morning meeting, where everyone sits in silence for 15 - 20 minutes. Nobody talks at all, unless "the spirit moves them to do so". Some days everyone just sits in companionable silence, meditating or reflecting on what the day might bring or what was experienced in the previous days. Other days, one or two people will stand up at random intervals and just talk about what is on their mind. As weird as it may sound to someone who has never done this, purposefully setting aside some time as a community to just experiencing each other with or without words is an incredibly awesome way to start your day and I truly do miss it.

To bring this all home, I realized that I only really want to write when the spirit moves me to do so. I'd like it if the spirit moved me to do so every day, but to just make a post for formality's sake seems pointless to me. So yes, I will likely not post every day, but I will hopefully be posting more with things that I feel are necessary to share with my community for one reason or another.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
I sort of love this scene. Apart from Nathan Lane's over-the-top performance, I really love the bit about the balloon at 5:38. Not that I spend a whole heck of a lot of time pondering God and the good in humanity mind you, but that descriptor has always stuck with me.

beled_el_djinn: (dubious)
So all today I'd been thinking of things that I wanted to write about so as to start my daily post experiment on a great note (whatever that means - i'm still not certain, really), and all today I've been drawing a blank. This actually has been something of a theme with me and writing recently and part of why I decided to dust off my journal; I've been having the hardest time just sitting down and writing about anything that isn't directly related to educating a client, and it is sort of killing me. I mean, I've never found writing easy, but this current trend is sort of ridiculous to me and also something of a huge pain in the ass as I've still got two NPC writeups and two text props that have to get done before the Aralis event. Not to mention that I also should come up with advertising blurbs for Lloyd's items.

The truly stupid thing, to me anyway, is that I have no issue describing exactly what I should write, but that there is some sort of disconnect in my brain which won't allow for the translating of the ideas from words I am speaking to words I am writing. I've always had that problem, ever since I can remember, but in the past, it was a bit more mild and I could fight through it with just a little effort. These days, more and more effort is required and with the way life has been recently, I'm all out of spoon, as the saying goes. So I feel as though I either need to hire a secretary who takes dictation (he he, I said 'dic') or invest in the Dragon Tools software if I want to get any serious writing done any time this millennium. Interestingly enough, I actually wanted the Dragon Tools software for a while now, although I've always kind of worried that if I started using it, my writing skills would atrophy that much more. But I sort of feel like this is an unreasonable fear, so maybe I'll make an expedition to Best Buy on the morrow and see about picking it up

Huh.. Guess I had something to write about after all. Who knew? And on that note, I think I'll pack up my virtual quill for the night, for lo, I am tired.
beled_el_djinn: (dubious)
It has been a long time since I have posted here and this makes me sad. Not that anyone still on LJ is really missing all that much in terms of my life but still, there was a time wherein I was posting every day and it isn't like the thoughts and feelings I had then aren't still here.

Clearly an experiment is called for! I'm going to start trying to do a daily post again and do my best to avoid just endlessly spouting how much I hate my job (I hate it a lot) or inundating y'all with anecdotes of just how awesome my son is (he is awesome).

Right, that is all for now. Carry on citizens.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
My love and I were sitting on our bed with the baby yesterday, just watching him play with the pillows and making sure he didn't dive head first onto the floor, when he took one of the pillows, folded it in half and proudly proclaimed "A book!". Then, opening up his newly made book and he said "The end" and closed it again. The cuteness, it slayed. Upon later reflection, I find myself amazed at the imagination and associative leap that particular moment entailed.

The daily grind of wrangling a toddler sometimes makes it hard to remember that you've got a little person in your care who has their own likes, loves, desires, sense of humor and ideas of how the universe should run. I value the moments like the above not only because of the humor and love they engender in all of us, but because they also remind me to stop and just soak in all the wonder and joy present in every moment I spend with our son.
beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
Today's introspective question is "who is my Maria?". I'll let y'all figure that one out on your own.

Been on something of a retro-ish music kick today and rediscovered the following:



Enjoy.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
I really like the final scene between Tom and Summer in 500 Days of Summer - the language and sentiments are things I wish I had known to say all those times before.
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
Years ago, my mother and I were driving home from an appointment. It was December and it had been snowing for several hours and there was about a foot of snow on the ground. We were driving on Rt. 2 and right before we got to the Waltham St. exit, we hit a patch of black ice and spun out. Long story short, we came within a hair's breadth of being in a head-on with a tractor trailer truck. After we realized we weren't actually going to die that night, and we were safely away from further near death experiences, my mom did something which seemed odd to me at the time. She just sat there, with this blank expression on her face. I knew she was just as full of adrenalin as I was at that moment, but she still just sat there and wouldn't speak.

Flash forward to today, this morning, in fact. The baby and I were making our daily trip to daycare and as we were pulling out of our street, I almost t-boned a police car - there was a truck pulled over on the side of the road blocking my view and even though I had carefully checked as best I could and thought that I was clear, it appears that I failed my awareness check. Long story short here too, everyone was okay, the policeman yelled at the truck driver for parking in an absolutely moronic place and then reassured me that he was okay and that I wasn't a) at fault and b) in any trouble. I had pulled over to the side of the road, right after almost hitting the cruiser and after making sure I wasn't going to be ticketed, I just sat there, adrenalin coursing through my veins, and just stared at the baby in the rear view mirror while he contentedly looked at some raindrops on the window next to him. I imagine that if the baby ever remembers this moment, he'll be puzzled over the blank look that I'm sure was on my face.

Through the jumble of my thoughts, the one constant thread was that my son could have been seriously injured somehow and I would have ultimately felt responsible for it since I was driving and in charge of his safety. I once commented to my mom about how odd her reaction was to me on that night, oh so many years ago, especially since it stood in such stark contrast to my need to be moving, to bleed off the excess of the fight or flight response. She had just given me this look which I couldn't begin to fathom until today. I really hate the argument of "you aren't a parent, you wouldn't understand." but I'm finding that sometimes that does happen to be the case. I couldn't understand my mother's reaction until I was in a similar situation.

It's funny to me how being a parent is seems to be this odd learning experience about love, fear, sorrow and patience. Every day brings a new challenge for my love and I, new sets of fond memories and new sets of worries for the future as we realize that our son is growing up faster and faster. Through it all, we're managing not to lose our minds and also finding just how much love you can be filled with, and I think it is that love that causes moments like the one I had this morning. The very thought of that love being altered or absent from my life scared me so deeply that I almost shut down when I had a moment to reflect upon it.

Man, this parenting thing is a scary trip, sometimes.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
A man once said that "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you can get what you need". In light of the past week I'd have to say that truer words were never spoken, although I am at a loss as to why I needed a tornado and obliterated break hose.

The Walkabout Experiment went pretty well (for those of you who didn't know, I was off wandering the wilds of Western NY all last week). I'm still processing a lot of what I experienced, but I can definitely say that I am much better for having taken the trek. Still, it is wonderful to be home now. Although I miss the relaxed atmosphere and all the new people I met, I was seriously missing my love and the baby. I managed to miss his first word and steps, which was sad, but the look on his face this morning when I went in to wake him up erased most of that in an instant.

Now I just need to catch up on all the sleep I didn't get and let the bruises on the soles of my feet heal, and I'll be all happy. Speaking of sleep...
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
"Blow O wind to where my loved one is. Touch him and come touch me soon. I'll feel his gentle touch through you and meet his beauty in the moon. These things are much for the one who loves. One can live by them alone: that he and I breathe the same air and that the Earth we tread is one."
beled_el_djinn: (meow)
Also, Jiajia Chen is hot.

I'm not sure I can recommend seeing Seven Swords, which is 1 of the 2 movies she has been in, but dang is she pretty.

In other news, somebody really likes Annie's Shells and White Cheddar. So much so, that he finger painted his face with the left over sauce. sigh
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
Non-meme meme time:

Tell me something true. It doesn't matter if it is a long and elaborate story or just a statement, as long as it is true.

Comments will be screened unless you request that yours not be. Also, anonymous commenting is allowed and IP logging has been turned off, so if'n you want to be all ninja, you can.
beled_el_djinn: (Content)
This morning marked the baby's first honest-to-goodness thunder storm. While I wasn't all that happy to be up at 3am, I loved that I was able to hold him in my arms and just sit and listen to the thunder and watch the lightning with him until he drifted back off to sleep.

The whole experience actually reminded me of a time in high school, when I was over a friend's house studying for a physics exam. We were sitting on their enclosed porch, having just finished our studying, and were talking about whatever seemed important to us back then. I think we both noticed the lightning flash together and shared a look - while she went to turn off the lights, I dragged to lounge chairs next to each other, and we just sat and watched the lightning and listened to the thunder and the rain. It was such a wonderfully peaceful moment in time - even though it was late on a school night and we had a test the next morning at 7:30 am, we stayed up stupid late (and I believe we both fell asleep for a bit) and just experienced the world.

I'm perpetually amazed at how I experience the world anew whenever I'm spending time with the baby. His voyage of discovery brings back a joy of looking at the world I seemed to have forgotten.
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
I feel restless today. Every hint of a breeze sends a longing through me to be free. I want to run from the house and out into the world. I want to roam forests and lounge on the banks of clear streams. I want to let loose a cry that echoes across the land my song of freedom.

I want.
beled_el_djinn: (Eye2)
Had a mostly 'down' weekend and it took me a bit to figure out the why, considering the 'up' the week started on. Due to this, I didn't manage to accomplish anything I had set out to do, which makes me sad, as I really need to get the taxes done and it really would be nice if I could get the yard work done before the evil vine starts it's bid for domination again.

I ended up resorting to something resembling a metaphysical hard reset on my mental server and that seems to have mitigated the issue, so maybe I'll be able to get taxes done this week by working on them every night after the baby goes to bed. Whee!

I swear, I know I wasn't ever this busy before he was born, and really, I'm still not stupidly busy, so much as feeling the constraints of rationing my free time. Still, I miss being able to just randomly poke at things what need poking at and not have to worry about keeping an eye on "Mr. I'm'a gunna put that sharp/choking hazard/poisonous/generally inimical to life/dangerous thing in my mouth" too.

I'm out.
beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
A conversation the other day served to illustrate just how far I have come from the angry 23 year old who didn't care enough about anyone to even think about the social ramifications of his actions. I still feel like I have a long way to go to get where I want to be, but it is nice to see evidence of progress.

Said conversation also served to remind me of how difficult it must have been to deal with me back then. [livejournal.com profile] brunahildm, although I've said this before, if you happen to see this, I'm sorry.
beled_el_djinn: (Default)
It has been a bit since I last did this, so...

[Poll #1507526]
beled_el_djinn: (Homework)
Preparatory to our trip to Spain, I picked up the Instant Immersion Spanish disc set as a refresher for my atrophied Spanish skills. Thus far, I am happy with it and am finding it easy to get back on the horse as it were, but one thing keeps driving me crazy. All the voice work is done in a Castilian accent, and my accent is mostly Venezuelan. I've always found the Castilian lisp to be somewhat irritating to listen to and I find I'm focusing too much on the accent and having to repeat stuff. I should just bite the bullet and shift accents (it isn't that hard for me when it comes to Spanish), since I'd be less likely to be looked at like us East Coasters tend to look at Southerners when they talk, but that would feel like giving up somehow.

In any case, yay for re-learning languages and for trips to Spain!
beled_el_djinn: (Mindscape)
Friday marked 13 years. Funny that I remembered on Thursday and then again on Monday, but between then it seems that I couldn't spare him a thought.

Yesterday, however, I found myself wondering what dad would say if he met the baby and also what the baby would think of him. I couldn't imagine how dad could have held my brother in his arms and not felt the same love I feel for my child, and yet I have 23 years worth of memories that tell me it was highly unlikely that he ever did. And where do I fit in all of that? Did he ever hold me in his arms and just lose himself in the love I'd like to think poured out of me? I'd like to think he did, but I'm perhaps a bit too cynical/realistic to blindly accept that he did.

I'm still struggling with what I'll tell my child about dad - I don't really want to pad the reality of life under his rule, but I guess I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with why I still have love in my heart for someone who could be such a douchebag on so many levels. I suppose I could just argue Stockholm Syndrome and have done, but that would be lame and also miss the point in many, many ways.

I guess, as always, my relationship with dad is a work in progress and likely it will be one that never ends. I had thought that I was over this, that I no longer needed to keep looking at the bits of puzzle that made up our life together, but my need to do better for my child (and also not become my father) keeps urging me on.

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August 2012

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